Penis Is Your King

Penis Is Your King

Dicks are everywhere. Somewhere around 50% of the population has one, and more people learn how to handle theirs every day. Penises aren’t going anywhere, even if toxic masculinity is. In fact, shlongs have a long history in our society. So, men have figured out how to do a lot of fun things over the years.

As a matter of fact, dicks are made for more than just fucking. Did you know that your crotch holds the key to fertility? According to some ancient myths, a man’s erect penis is a sign of his blessing from the gods. That means showing your junk to strangers isn’t actually that bad. We’re kidding. Don’t do that.

The point is that your penis is a lot more interesting than you think. And while you may already be in love with it, as so many of us are, it never hurts to become reacquainted. After all, this is your oldest pal we’re talking about. So, learn a few new tricks before you whip him out again.

A brief glance at penis history

There are sculptures erected (quite literally) all around the world in the name of solid dick. Back in the day, cultures believed things like erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation were punishments from other dimensions. Surely it couldn’t have been because of bad sex or health problems. So, they went about creating structures to commemorate that epic boner they once got in high school (or something like that).

Even some modern cultures still hold this belief, with contemporary examples of “penis envy” popping up everywhere from Belize to Broadway. One of the latest installments was completed by a female Swedish artist by the name of Carolina Falkholt back in 2018. She painted a massive 5-story dick on the side of an apartment building in Stockholm. Her reason? Because she wanted people to stop and think. Mission: accomplished.

You see, penises symbolize something. They take on a different meaning depending on whether they’re flaccid or erect, thick or skinny, short or tall. Unlike vaginas that pretty much stay the same no matter what’s going on, dicks have a personality. Thus, they’ve taken center stage in our society for a long, long time.

What is penis envy?

The term “penis envy” gets thrown around a lot but that’s because it’s sort of comical once you realize that Freud is the one who theorized it in the first place. His crazy ass suggested this: women get so jealous when they realize they don’t have a dick that they develop extreme anxiety about it. He went on further to explain that this event becomes a definitive moment in a girl’s psychosexual development. Whatever, Sigmund.

I think what he was trying to say is that vaginas rule the world, but that penises make the world go around. Perhaps he was just attempting to give honor to the strong, robust boners throughout mankind’s history. Either way, nobody’s talking about all the fun things penises can do and that’s a damn shame.

10 fun things you can do with your dick

Did you know that having sex is only a small portion of the penis puzzle? Your best friend has many talents, and he likes to show off as much as he can. That’s probably because he instinctively knows he’s an historically significant bad ass. If not, then he will pretty soon.

You see, having fun with your gun is relatively easy. It all depends on how creative and/or risky you’re willing to be. If you have a partner, this is rather simple. But if you’re single, it can be a little tougher to make the right decision. Either way, carefully consider these 10 options the next time you’re trying to figure out what else to do with your fun-loving phallus:

#1. Get a tattoo or piercing.

Penis tattoos may be dangerous and painful, but the outcome is usually awesome. Plus, it lasts forever so you never have to “dress up” you dick before a date again. You can add a special message to your lover or assign a significant name to your favorite body part. Whatever you decide, be sure to take care of it properly to prevent infection.

#2. Try an automatic stroker.

Automatic penis strokers have come a long way since their introduction to the sex toy market a few decades ago. These days, you can find devices with a whole host of different features, from heating cores and vibrating motors to real-time motion sensors and virtual reality. So, if those monuments don’t outlast the test of time, these bad boys sure will.

#3. See if it will grow.

Did you know that nearly half of your penis length is inside your body? That’s because your groin needs an anchor, so it uses penile muscle tissue to help keep things secure down there. What this means for you is pretty exciting. You can actually coax your cock into growing several inches by using a traction-based penis extender. Of course, results are always variable.

#4. Train it to run marathons.

Believe it or not, premature ejaculation is caused by something other than angered sex gods. In fact, modern science has shown significant advancements in the understanding of what makes a man cum. As it turns out, the nervous system is responsible. However, a man’s sensitivities can be manipulated with the right stimuli. So, some stamina training sex toys might help make intercourse fun again.

#5. Use it to make money.

These days, you no longer have to keep your penis in your pants to get a real job. You can sign up on various websites and apps to start making cash from your crotch. Sites like OnlyFans, CamDudes, and Chaturbate are all excellent places to launch your suck-cessful new side gig. Pay rates can vary widely though, so be sure to read the fine print before signing your life away.

#6. Put it in a cage.

There’s this thing called a cock cage and it’s extremely popular within the bondage underground. And before you start squirming, hear me out. Cock cages are designed to limit the wearer’s ability to get a full erection. They’re shiny, relatively comfortable, and safe in the right hands. Their greatest achievement is during tease sessions where the wearer struggles to remain “a good boy.” See, not so scary after all, is it? Suspecting wifes often put those on their husbands so they would not mess with their secretary or call girls. It might look painful, but we imagine it strongly reduces current divorce rates. Prices vary, but if you are rich, get yourself a gold one, so that you could be the real “Gold member”!

#7. Pass it around.

Group sex is something that so many people want to try but never have the guts to attempt. Fortunately, technology makes fantasy fulfillment much easier and less awkward to mention in bed. That’s because many sex toy manufacturers now offer interactive devices. Most of them are compatible with other devices, meaning you can enjoy real-time couple’s play or bring in a stranger without actually, you know, letting them in your house.

#8. Play dress up.

The world has been crazy about cock since the dawn of time, so does it really surprise you that we’ve got penis costumes out there? You can dress your dick up to be whatever it wants to be – an ass-tronaut, a fire starter (I mean fighter), or even a pound puppy. There are only a few rules when it comes to playing dress up with your junk: 1) Choose skin-safe materials so you don’t get a rash, and 2) Make it hilarious because now’s your time to shine.

#9. Create art with it.

Artists are great, aren’t they? Their creative minds come up with all sorts of crazy things, like penis art and homemade sex canvases. There’s actually a product called the Love Is Art Kit that lets you make wall paintings out of your private penile prowess. Then, you’ve also got super artsy stuff like the Clone-a-Willy Kit that’s lets you create a life-sized mold of your twig and berries. You can either hang up your masterpiece for all to see or use the mold to pleasure yourself and/or a partner when the mood strikes.

#10. Dive inside the hole.

Before you start cringing at the mere thought of plunging something down the tip of your dick, listen closely. Your penis is basically an extroverted vagina. Therefore, the hole is the vaginal opening/clitoris, the testes are the ovaries, and the shaft is the canal. It’s the simple, yet so many men miss out on the all the fun of using urethral sounding equipment. Little rods drop down into your “man-gina” and force out an extremely intense orgasm as a result. Don’t knock until you try it, friends.

Why do fun penises matter?

Although much of mankind’s experience with the human penis has been reverent, fun penises are still important. We don’t want to give dicks any more of a bad rep in our society. They’re already taken too seriously as it is. So, learn how to play with your anatomy and fight the good fight for all the rock-hard cocks of the world, monuments of otherwise.

The zip up

The modern penis has seen it all: life-changing historical events, social pressure just for existing, monuments erected in its name, etc. It’s primed, primal, and ready to party. So, give it something fun to do before things change again.

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